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Bonnie Zieman

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Shunned: A Survival Guide Paperback – March 22, 2018

by Bonnie Zieman (Author)

4.5 44 ratings

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Many studies have been published about the effects of shunning or ostracism on the person shunned but there are few books, if any, written specifically to offer help to the individual suffering from this sort of inhumane treatment. Granted there are books about how to cope with being bullied and/or marginalized in the workplace or at school. This book, however, directs its help to people who are subjected to mandated, open-ended shunning by religions, quasi-religions, cults and other extreme groups. Mandated shunning requires that members of a group reject, ignore, isolate and refuse to associate with, or even talk to the person "marked" by the group's leadership. Members of these groups or cults are expected to shun members of their own families if they dare to question dogma or refuse to participate in certain group activities or practices. Enforced ostracism removes all sense of belonging and community from the person ostracized. Mandated shunning weaponizes a person's need for belonging against them. It is an anti-social punishment that has been the cause of much suffering, including many attempted suicides and successful suicides. This book, of course, cannot remove the mandate for shunning against a person, but it will give the person many ways to cope with the psychological and emotional effects of being rejected and disowned. Readers will learn how to restore an inner sense of safety, security, and calm after losing family, friends and resources normally supplied by community. This book will also explain how simple strategies can down-regulate the fight/flight or freeze states of the autonomic nervous system when one loses all access to beloved family members. Due to the adversity and stress of mandated shunning, many who suffer under its merciless application suffer from anxiety, panic, anger, guilt, depression, and suicidal ideation. This book offers helpful techniques to cope with and minimize these debilitating effects of having family and friends arbitrarily torn away. Anyone being ostracized will experience social isolation for a while. This book offers many practical suggestions on how to reach out and build a new social network. There are many things that can be done while being subjected to prolonged shunning to cope with the loneliness and grief and to learn how to create a meaningful life. This survival guide is designed for former members of groups that shun such as The Church of Scientology, The Amish, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, FLDS, Hasidism, Islam, etc., etc. It matters not which group is excluding and shunning you - the strategies to deal with the isolation, grief, trauma, and despair are the same. If you find yourself alone and lonely suffering under this cruel practice of shunning, this book can act as a companion and survival guide. Many of us have survived shunning and are now thriving despite still being shunned. SHUNNED: A Survival Guide will help you survive and thrive too.

Print length

254 pages
Language

English
Publication date

March 22, 2018
Dimensions

6 x 0.58 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

1983942375
ISBN-13

978-1983942372
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Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (March 22, 2018)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 254 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1983942375
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1983942372
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 12.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.58 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,636,220 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #451 in Religious Intolerance & Persecution
- #2,380 in Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
- #159,254 in Self-Help (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.5 44 ratings

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Bonnie Zieman

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After thirty years as a baptized member of Jehovah's Witnesses, Bonnie Zieman faded her way out of the cult and obtained the education she'd been denied while in. After training in two schools of psychotherapy (Gestalt and Psychosynthesis) and obtaining a master's degree in education, Bonnie became a licensed psychotherapist. She worked in private practice for over twenty years. Busy with her education, training and then private practice, she had not kept abreast of the Jehovah's Witness or EX-Jehovah's Witness communities. Once she learned of the thousands who were now exiting JW.org and the toll the cult's strict shunning policy was taking on their lives (isolation from family and friends, rampant depression, PTSD and even suicides) she wanted to apply her knowledge and experience to help. Writing recovery-related books seemed like the obvious course. Bonnie has written, Exiting the JW Cult: A Healing Handbook"; "The Challenge to Heal: A Recovery Guide ..."; and the accompanying "The Challenge to Heal Workbook & Journal"; as well as "Fading Out of the JW Cult: A Memoir" about her thirty years in the cult, the struggle to leave it, and the challenges faced trying to create a new life once out. You can learn more about Bonnie and her work at her website, bonniezieman.com

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Brett

A Gem: High-quality, very useful book!

Reviewed in the United States on August 21, 2023

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This is a compassionate, thoroughly researched and helpful book for anyone who has been ostracized or "shunned." The book has some emphasis on those who are shunned by religious groups but the advice it is useful for anyone who feels abandoned or disconnected. It explains in great detail how damaging this experience can be (if not addressed properly) and then explains how to survive and heal from the experience. The book is practical and offers concrete healing ideas and survival strategies, not just prose and filler.

This is a gem of a self-help book, written with lots of love and research, and it is easy to read and use. If you think you might need this book, just order it! Don't hesitate.

Helpful

Fiddle Fancier

This book puts the correct frame on a problem that many of us face.

Reviewed in the United States on December 18, 2020

Verified Purchase

Thank you so much for writing this. I’m feeling better than I have in ages from reading this. My sons have gotten involved in a Catholic cult-like peer group and I’ve heard from them infrequently. When I do hear from they are cold and
detached, refusing to share any details of their lives. This has been so hard for me. What had I done? My oldest son married into this group. His wife refuses to answer emails or phone calls and will turn her back on me when I’m talking to her. She simply says, “I don’t get along with her.” She certainly hasn’t made any effort to try! They are involved in QAnon, now, too. But thank you again. I can process this problem much better now that I’ve read your book.

4 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Buy this and do the activities

Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2018

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The author has provided a very good tool for helping a person deal with the trauma and emotional blackmail of shunning. She uses brain science and research on our nervous systems to help us use them to heal. I've been trying them and the activities work.

The main point is shunning places our nervous system on high alert, which warns of danger. Having our system activated is not healthy. We can shut it down by doing activities that calm our nervous system. We can also train our brain to create new pathways, causing us to no longer fear but feel safe and connected.

I read this book twice even though my shunning experience started in 1991. I wish this was available back then. I recommend you read it and actually do the exercises. It will help you heal faster and deal better with the loss and trauma associated with shunning.

9 people found this helpful

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Kitty Malone

Mixed bag

Reviewed in the United States on July 11, 2021

Verified Purchase

This author gets right to the heart of the shunning, and addresses important aspects of the trauma that few other resources even touch on. Great tools and techniques. Thank you to the author for these valuable insights. I want to give it more stars. BUT…

We must be very careful in our language with people who have been shunned. They are at risk of violence towards themselves or others. The author actively violates the abuse survivors bill of rights multiple times, and this is dangerous to a shunned person in crisis. That person needs to come to terms with the abuse and restore their empowerment and sense of agency.

Right around chapter 8 the author starts using shaming language, even going so far as to judge and devalue people on cult survivor forums (while she’s preaching non-judgment). They’re not doing their healing “right.” She attributes the intrusive and painful thought patterns of ptsd and fragmented psyches to the person’s character. No one should ever shame an abuse survivor for where they are in their process. Even if their behavior is bad or they are ruminating and others don’t understand their behavior - we shouldn’t invalidate them. Every moment is truly a choice, but PTSD is not a choice. It is a life threatening injury. Ostracism and systematic abuse causes damage to the brain that in many cases is developmental. The author paints the symptoms of that injury as wallowing or having a victim mentality, and even discourages people from telling the truth of their painful experience. Telling the story is how a damaged brain heals, especially when we have previously had to deny our experience. Healing does require acceptance and commitment to a process that can be painful. Ptsd and ostracism damage the pain, time, and self regulatory centers of the brain. They may re-experience any aspect of the trauma as though it is happening in the present moment, and that is no fault of their own. If a person has learned to involuntarily dissociate as a result of trauma, mindfulness practices may bring more sensation into the body than they are can currently manage. We are not hurting ourselves if we haven’t yet integrated and forgiven the offenses - if we have already forgiven much along the way, only to be violated further - the body itself will not allow forgiveness until it is certain that it is safe from further harm.

The author tells the reader that the events might not have been as bad as we think they were. In some cases, they were much, much worse than we realized. We have suffered too much denial already. Let us tell it like it is, in all its gruesome detail, because THAT is exactly how we keep it from eating us up inside. Let’s be gentle with each other and ourselves.

We have already spent enough time silencing ourselves and taking blame for what is not our fault. Let us not also dictate what our own or anyone else’s healing process should look like Some of these very meaningful spiritual quotes can amount to more denial, minimizing, and spiritual bypassing when misapplied.

There’s a lot of good information if you are already at a certain stage of restoration & healing. If you have been seriously violated, brainwashed, and/or are in crisis, chapter 8 could put you into a downward spiral. The author is still under the influence of cultish thinking. Be careful.

12 people found this helpful

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Linda N.

Helped me tremendously

Reviewed in the United States on June 17, 2018

Verified Purchase

This helped me a lot though I was never a Jehovah's Witness. I was shunned by my family of origin (no specific reason given--they 'cut off' people frequently) and I am 'dead to them' and it was so painful at first that I thought I would not get through it. Bonnie's book helped me tremendously and when I re-read it again recently (I tried to contact the younger generation and the shunning has included them too, to my dismay) her book helped me again. Thank you for writing this.

9 people found this helpful

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Blondie

A great book written from a personal and professional viewpoint

Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2019

Verified Purchase

I have read many books about the challenges faced by individuals who leave a controlling organization, especially one where most of your family and friends belong to. How to deal with being shunned by these people, treated as if you had died, and how to find support on how to make changes and build a strong life.

6 people found this helpful

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Bopeep

Shunned? Disfellowshipped? Marked? Identified as a Suppressive Person?

Reviewed in the United States on February 4, 2019

Verified Purchase

Fabulous book! I've read many books on this subject (spiritual abuse) and this is the most practical and informative book on the subject. It gives practical suggestions on how to cope and begin a new life.

8 people found this helpful

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Linda Curtis

EXCELLENT RESOURCE - For Anyone Who is Shunned

Reviewed in the United States on February 27, 2019

This is an excellent book that I could not put down. Bonnie has written a practical, inspiring and empowering book, with solid guidance based on her personal experience being shunned combined with her decades-long professional experience as a therapist who works with people who have been shunned. I left the JW's 25 years ago and I now have a very full and satisfying life, but it was hard-won. As I read this book I realized my success was due to taking all of the actions she recommends. This is practical stuff! It was also comforting to hear her straight talk about the harm caused by shunning, and to back it with the latest neuroscience. Thank you, Bonnie, for putting this resource together. I have already recommended it to others and will continue to do so.

5 people found this helpful

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